The Split! – A Hair-Raising Play

My entry for the TRESemmé Split Remedy Indistuff contest organized by TRESemmé and Indiblogger.

Mr. Fringe as The Patient
Mr. Bang as The Mysterious Entity
Dr. Locke as The Eminent Psychiatrist

Dr. Locke: Good afternoon, Mr. Fringe. Please feel free to lie down on the couch and make yourself comfortable.

Mr. Fringe: Thank you, doctor.

Dr. Locke: You mentioned you needed to discuss a matter of great urgency with me?

Mr. Fringe: Yes, doctor (nervously shifting in the couch). Actually, doctor, for the last few weeks, I have been doing things without realizing I am doing them… (gulps)

Dr. Locke (frowning at his notepad in which he is furiously scribbling): Hmph.

Mr. Fringe (taking the organic response as an instruction to elaborate): It all started when I was just swaying in the evening breeze one day and a man waved at me and said Hello, Mr. Bang. But I am not Mr. Bang, I said to him. I am Fringe. What do you mean you are not Mr. Bang, he said with an irritating chuckle. What I mean is quite simple, I said politely enough, I am not Mr. Bang. He seemed offended that I was not Mr. Bang. Then why did you tell me that you were Mr. Bang? He asked bad-naturedly.

Dr. Locke: Hmph.

Mr. Fringe: Yeah, that’s what he said, why did you tell me and all. I said I never met you in my life. And everybody knows how difficult it is to tell someone that you are Mr. Bang when you haven’t even met them. But he didn’t seem to see it. He said What do you mean you never met me?

Dr. Locke: At this point, what were your thoughts?

Mr. Fringe: I was thinking, well, it was a sham. Poor man must be confusing me with somebody else. Happens all the time, you know. We do have a strong resemblance amongst ourselves in our part of the world. But he kept saying something like how we drank four beers at the bar only last Saturday. And that was that. I felt angry.

Dr. Locke: Angry? (Writing something in big letters on his pad and highlighting it with a green marker)

Mr. Fringe: Yes. Angry. Very angry. I have never had a beer in my life. And this man was slandering me. My nephew will have me believe beer is good for us and all that jazz, but I am not into all that. Never been, never will be. What a pig! Tails such as these could ruin my reputation, I thought.

Dr. Locke: Hmph.

Mr. Fringe: Good to know you agree, Dr. Locke. So I said to him Oh cut it out, will you? And he got all puffed up and left. Suddenly it struck me that I had woken up on Sunday with a throbbing headache and a bitter taste in the mouth. And for the life of me, I couldn’t remember where I was Saturday night. But I brushed it off, thinking it was a silly kind of coincidence, you know.

Dr. Locke: Hmph.

Mr. Fringe: Yeah, coincidences are silly. But a few days later (gulps), someone came and told me he would kill me.

Dr. Locke: Who?

Mr. Fringe: Dan D., ruff kind of guy, lives a few blocks away (shudders) He said I will kill you (gulps).

Dr. Locke: Hmph.

Mr. Fringe: Yeah, that’s exactly what he said. I will kill you if you hit on my girl again (gulps). Phew, it was a close shave! I know who his girl is, Miss Tressy, lovely lady she is. I don’t know what she sees in that buffoon, if you ask me. She looked so beautiful when she came back from holiday with a tan. Glen, you know, from next door, totally hits on her. But I would never never never hit on Miss Tressy. She has always been kind to me. But lately, she just bounces away when she sees me coming (face puckers up in pain).

A long silence during which Mr. Fringe wipes his eyes with the corner of a folded handkerchief and Mr. Locke keeps scribbling in his pad.

Dr. Locke: (clears his throat) My opinion is that, Mr. Fringe … (clears throat again)… you have a psychological structural disorder of dissociative spectrum characterized by multiple, apparently two, separate, simultaneously or intermittently existing personalities in a single physical entity…

Mr. Fringe (picking up his jaw from the plush brown carpet): Eh?

Dr. Locke: What I am trying to convey to you, Mr. Fringe (clears throat) is that you are most possibly suffering from what in layman terms is known as a … Split Personality.

Split personality… Split personality… Split personality (Echo)

Mr. Fringe (Covering his face with his palms and weeping softly): A split personality… Oh Oh oh… I wish I could curl up and dye… oh God oh… I am stranded with a low-lying, lecherous, drinking maniac for life…

Dr. Locke: Mr. Fringe… Mr. Fringe… please calm down. We can straighten it out.

Mr. Fringe: (Taking his palms off his face, clearing his nose with a resounding blow, drying his eyes) Who is Mr. Fringe? I am Mr. Bang. And who the hell are you?

Dr. Locke: Ummmm…. I am…

Mr. Fringe/Bang: Oh I don’t care. I can knot get tied up here. I have to go see Tressy (grins evilly, gets up and makes for the door).

Dr. Locke: Mr. Fringe, Mr. Fringe, Mr. Fringe, sit back down right now!

Mr. Fringe: Oh oh oh, Dr. Locke, why are you shouting at me? And why am I at the door? Is our session over? Could you please grant me an extension, doctor? Please?

Dr. Locke: Our session is not over, Mr. Fringe. Please sit down. I think I see your condition … er… clearly now. Thankfully, it’s not permanent. With specialized treatment, you will definitely get better.

Mr. Fringe: Really, doctor? Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Dr. Locke: Yes, I will write it out for you (scribbles on his prescription pad, tears off the top sheet and hands it over to Mr. Fringe) Here, I prescribe TRESemmé Split Remedy Shampoo and Conditioner. Douse yourself in these every other day, and after three times, Mr. Bang would only be a 20% shadow of himself. With continued treatment, he will be gone forever.

Mr. Fringe: Will this work, doctor?

Dr. Locke: Well, it has been known to cure 96% of cases such as yours, Mr. Fringe. After three washes, give me a ring. Let us meet again next week, when I will charge you a thousand bucks to ask you if you liked the smell of the product.

Mr. Fringe: Huh?

Dr. Locke: Err… I mean, I will monitor your progressive recuperation and adjudicate about the further courses of clinical action.
Mr. Fringe (with a satisfied smile): Thank you, doctor.

A week later

Dr. Locke: Aah, Mr. Fringe, good to see you. How are you doing?

Mr. Fringe: (softly, head bent) You were right, Dr. Locke. Mr. Bang seems to be gone.

Dr. Locke: Aha! I knew it. But why are you looking so sad?

Mr. Fringe: Miss Tressy broke up with Dan D., because… because… because she wants to be with Mr. Bang. She told everyone what a buffoon Dan was and that Mr. Bang was naughty, and sexy and … and exciting (suddenly beaming). Doctor, I WANT MR. BANG BACK!

Dr. Locke: (frowning darkly) What do you mean you want Mr. Bang back?? Don’t be ridiculous!

Mr. Fringe: Oh, Doctor, Pleaseplaeaseplease bring him back. I want him with me right hair. (Falls at Dr. Locke’s feet)

Dr. Locke: Mr. Fringe, calm down. What you are asking for is impossible. Once you use TRESemmé Split Remedy Shampoo and Conditioner, your split personality is cured forever. It can never come back.

Mr. Fringe (breaking down uncontrollably): Ohh and you can never be together… (his words become muffled).


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